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Friday, November 10th, 2006
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turning my thesis in felt good. having only 35 days until graduation feels even better.
UNF closed its library today in honor of veteran's day. why they couldn't just close the circulation desks and still leave the doors unlocked is beyond me. so i'm sitting in the mr. and mrs. robert d. davis student lounge in the business building. robert davis is my grandfather. only the weird professors stay late on fridays.
tomorrow is 11/11 and cologne's carnival. to celebrate our german roots my program is throwing a party (it will not be starting at 11:11 AM, though). we all had a pretty good time hanging out on the streets of cologne last year in ridiculous costumes so i'm guessing we'll still have fun even if we are in a lame apartment complex in jacksonville. at least we won't have to deal with this obnoxious, drunk, German guy again this year:
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, November 6th, 2006
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| Time: | 3:55 pm. |
| Music: | iron & wine. |
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ordering new books online and then thinking about all the time i will have to actually read them in 39 days makes me impossibly happy.
a recent paradigm shift is causing me to look back at things very differently. going home in three weeks will be interesting. maybe i'll have more compassion. or maybe i'll be just as cynical.
i wish talking with her didn't bring me down so much. i wish my way of coping with it wasn't just to ignore it. but it's all i can do right now. i don't have time to be manipulated into feeling that way right now. i don't need all this extra insecurity.
i don't want to worrry about it. so i'm not going to.
a hobbit will sleep on my couch tomorrow night.
i'm mad at banana republic/the gap/old navy for changing their sizing scheme to make their customers feel better about themselves. i don't wear a freaking size 2 or an extra small. i mean, i'm petite, but i'm not THAT little. i don't need, nor do i want, corporate america's help at boosting my self esteem. really, i don't want my self esteem to be tied in any way to clothing or my body size. and this recent marketing ploy disturbs me for just that reason. plus, it's really annoying when you think you know what size pants you wear but then you keep on having to make extra trips to and from the dressing room because they screwed with the sizes. i mean, seriously.
a lot of this is vague and emo-y. i'll just insert some depressing song lyrics at the bottom to make the whole thing complete.
"it's good for everybody to hurt somebody once in a while
the things i do to people i love shouldn't be allowed
....maybe things are different these days"
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, October 27th, 2006
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| Time: | 12:48 pm. |
| Mood: | hurry!. |
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my thesis will be finished by the end of this weekend. it WILL. that's the power of positive thinking anyway, i hope.
the FL/GA game is this weekend in jax and it's crazy here. i hope no one dies this year. there's a cop in one of my classes and he says they can't get cops to work downtown this weekend even though they're offereing $100/hour. i'm glad i don't live here.
apparently there was some sort of fire/homocide drama last night in saint augustine. possibly involving a flagler student. mysteriously no concrete details yet though. julie and i are confused. but we're working on it. gumshoes!
49 days until graduation! the fact that that number is less than 50 makes me really happy.
a few nights ago while i was walking to my car, there was a boy on a cell phone a little ways in front of me. at one point, he was definitely skipping for a while. i like to think he was talking to a girl. then he got paranoid, turned around, saw me behind him and became normal again. but i know his secret. and it makes me smile.
my dad is coming into town for the game this weekend and i get a free dinner tonight...hopefully one from the columbia! mmmmm, flan.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, October 23rd, 2006
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| Time: | 1:39 pm. |
| Mood: | much improved. |
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this week is already infinitely better than last week.
this weekend was amazing and just what i needed.
i want to move to charleston.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, October 16th, 2006
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while driving between our adjacent neighborhoods on the west side (with windows down) at different times on sunday, both carissa and i were solicited to purchase illegal substances. by a 10 year old boy. "whatcha need? whatcha need?" what i need is for you to not be an elementary school pusher. what i need is for you to not associate white people driving through your neighborhood only with drug sales. what i need is for you not to live in poverty. what i need is to drive away with more than a crazy story.
what's bothering me today is that i'm not worried about the right things. i'm worried about me. about MY life. i'm stressed about how much work i have to do. about how little sleep i'm getting. about how little time i have to do what i wish. about my fears, my insecurities, my failures, my dreams. i don't care about you. i don't care about the community. right now, i care about me. because i don't have time to do anything else.
it feels like such a cop-out to say that everything will change come december and graudation. it probably won't. but at least the chance for change will reappear. i'm pretty sure it's now safe to say that this has been the hardest semester of my life. so far there's been major love life drama, a burglery, a house fire, deaths, family members hospitalized and then there's those pesky 5 classes i'm taking plus the assistantship totaling roughly 70 hours of work per week. and sometimes i try to actually have a life in there too (bad idea). most days right now, i feel like i'm barely keeping my head above water. and i'm getting tired of treading. (edit: um, that's not meant to be a suicidal cry for attention...i just mean i want to quit school.)
the new derek webb cd is good. and also helping me keep my sanity. i have trouble getting past the first two tracks. i just keep repeating them. go listen.
there's more running through my head but i have to go proctor a quiz and then get the heck off campus because i've almost been here for 12 hours solid. and it's only monday so that's not a good sign for the coming week. i just got a folder of papers to be graded and it's literally 2 inches thick....of individual papers! that all have to be graded by me. by friday. i will not sleep this week. but i'm pretty sure this weekend will make it worth it.
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, October 12th, 2006
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well, i'm afraid there's more bad news for manatee's class of '01. yesterday, jeremy marlar passed away. he had been battling cancer for a few years now. funeral services will be held in bradenton at trinity united methodist on saturday, october 14.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, October 9th, 2006
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at 2AM this morning (monday morning) sheldon and mary steen's home caught on fire. they are my neighbors here in saint augustine, for those of you who don't know them. there was apparently an electrical/wiring issue which caused the front corner of their living room to burst into flames early this morning (please note that this corner of their home is approximately 20 feet away from my head in bed where i was sleeping at that point). everyone made it out safely (including finkle, their dog) and there was only minimal damage done to the house. there's a huge hole in their living room now and portions of the roof/ceiling need to be replaced along with some carpet, but none of their stuff (except for sheldon's playstation...) was ruined. good thing the county sent onetwothreefourfiveSIX fire trucks out to respond to the call.
mary and sheldon slept on our pull-out couch last night. we all went (back) to bed at 5:30am. i got two hours of sleep. i am still on an adrenaline high. the insurance should take care of everything for them and the house is only 3 months old so it's still under warranty or whatever houses have. but holy crap, their house was on fire.
now i have a test to study for....
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006
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| Time: | 5:10 pm. |
| Mood: | beat. | | Music: | finance babble. |
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my watch broke on saturday and i've been walking around for three days still wearing it. i have no idea when i'm going to buy a new one. i kind of like it always being 5:50.
i didn't know cats could get hiccups but queso definitely did today. and it did not make him happy. in fact, he was quite miserable. i liked putting my hand on him and feeling his insides freak out and get all jumpy though.
i have now passed the title of "cell phone finder hero" off to some lady on the shuttle bus at the jax airport. as i was exiting the shuttle bus at midnight on sunday night, my cell phone (and my ticket to get out of the parking lot) fell out of my pocket. i didn't realize this until i got to my car. luckily, the crazy bus driver (he was literally out of his mind) was still circling another area of the parking lot. so, of course, i sprinted over to the bus at full speed waving my arms over my head (the international sign for "i've lost my cell phone!"). a bitterly sarcastic lady handed it to me telling me she was glad she didn't have to take it up to the front to turn it in. she may not be as nice of a hero as me, but she deserves the title nonetheless.
yesterday i tried to call my old roommate jenni. her number has been stored in my phone for like 1000 years (orrrr the 2 months that i've had my new phone, whatever) so i don't even think about it - i just find her name and hit send without any worries. an automated voicemail thing came on, so i just left a message and hung up. a few seconds later, my phone rang and jenni's name came up. so i answered cheerfully, but some mean lady was on the other end. she asked who i was. i told her it was rita. then she asked for my last name. so i told her that too and also said i was sorry because i thought i must have the wrong number. then she got really offended and angry and told me to NEVER call this number AGAIN! the thing is, jenni's number is still the same - it's just every time i try to call her from my phone, wires get crossed somewhere and i end up apparently calling this mean, mean lady who now knows my full name and hates me.
i'm hanging out with people on thursday night and i'm super stoked. i've also noticed the word "stoked" has slowly started creeping into my vocabulary more and more now that i go to UNF. surf's up, bra.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, September 21st, 2006
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| Time: | 3:39 pm. |
| Mood: | discouraged. |
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is it bad if your boss tells you that you look "like a deer in the headlights" and then tells you it's ok to take a "mental health break"....?
today is not a good day.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 12:19 pm. |
| Mood: | slightly panicked. | | Music: | bluegrass. |
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today is a day when i feel like ish is gonna hit the fan real soon unless i get my act together in the next few days. and keep it together for the next few months. i don't like feeling like i'm sinking. school is a monster. i want december.
i found a cell phone sitting on top of the toilet paper dispenser when i walked into the bathroom at school today. so i called "mom" to tell her that i was turning the phone in at the library's front desk. mom was oriental and easily excitable. she kept calling me linda and telling me that she needed to go call jew-ee to tell her about the phone. and she thanked me about a million times. that's right, i'm a hero.
for my latest round of weddings this fall, i'm making a habit of buying the most ridiculous thing(s) i find listed on the registry. like corn cob holders and international apple corers. today i purchased a reggae egg tray and a toilet brush - to be shipped together to the same couple.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, September 18th, 2006
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| Time: | 12:11 pm. |
| Mood: | hiding my hinny. | | Music: | water pick. |
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i just went to the bathroom here in UNF's library and i looked up as i was taking a leak to discover that the brand of doors used was most definitely called "hinny hiders." perfect? yes.
also, there was this weird girl using a water pick on her teeth the whole time i was in there. i'd never actually seen one used before. check that off my list of things to do before i die, i guess.
i never really hang out with (or really even talk to) anyone from my program these days. they all think i'm super weird. and i'm ok with that.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
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i'm sure a lot of you already know this, but i'm putting it up here anyway because i'm not exactly sure who reads this anymore.
ian tomasiak died last week. he went to manatee and graduated in '01 with me. there's a memorial online:
http://www.mem.com/display/Images.asp?ID=1506629&imageTab=images
he died five days after his 24th birthday.
i don't know what else to say. i don't even know when the last time i saw him was. it's just really strange that he's gone.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, September 11th, 2006
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| Time: | 2:33 pm. |
| Mood: | ahslpode!. | | Music: | ptoads in my head. |
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there are signs next to the doors leading into all the stairwells at UNF. unfortunately they all say "stair." i don't even know what that is. aside from the word "stairwell," i don't think anyone should ever make "stair" be without its second "s." these signs bother me on a daily basis.
my life is more complicated than i want it to be right now. my thesis is my arch nemesis.
i miss france today. last wednesday i missed portugal a lot. my heart is in too many places. but i know what i want.
i cannot eat, i'd better not sleep until you're okay. (thanks, ptoads.)
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
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i was sitting outside of the library eating my lunch just now and some surfer/skateboard dude came up to me. we were sitting by this "lake" (read: retention pond) and he said, "yeah, watching aquatic wildlife is fun sometimes." that's a pretty lame first line. but he followed with a good one: seen the gator today at all? he's from ocala. it's not his fault. i still kicked him in the shins and shoved him in the lake though.
i met the other professor i'm GA'ing for (grad assistant-ing...yes, that's the official verbage of "grad assistant.") today. she laughed at me when i told her i have five classes, a thesis and i'm a GA. i don't think that's a good sign. i'm pretty sure it means i'm going to die.
my drive to campus was made in record time today. only 30 minutes. the eisley cd has been in my car for about 4 days now nonstop. i'm not sure when it's going to come out.
tuxedo and queso have given me scratches all over my hand. i think it would be cool to catch cat scratch fever just so you could say the name all the time.
every second i am on the UNF campus i miss clemson 1000 times more. i graduate in exactly 100 days from today and i cannot wait. yes, i already have a countdown until graduation in my planner. that is what i did during UNF orientation because just being there made me want to leave.
i really like to grocery shop. publix yogurt is my new favorite.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, August 16th, 2006
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highlights of my day (in no particular order):
* getting my grad assistantship...and the tuition waver that comes with it! high five.
* it rained. and thundered. and lightninged. yes, lightninged.
* my grandma kicked me in the crotch. it was serious funny.
* i had mushrooms for dinner. with other stuff too. but mushrooms were in there.
* some work on my thesis was accomplished. even if i'm not friends with it anymore because it's sucking the life out of me.
* m'der called me.
* a glass of red wine.
* i will probably talk to sanne later.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, August 14th, 2006
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| Time: | 10:51 am. |
| Mood: | numb-ish. |
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there is a deathcab video on vh1 right now. i HAVE been out of the country for a long time.
i suck at waking up when i mean to lately. that needs to get better before school starts.
i was honked at three times while getting the mail last week. mostly by rednecks in rusty trucks.
i move to saint augustine in five days. my new yellow sheets make me smile.
i think it's funny when people pronounce "van wezel" as "van weasel"...even if it does kind of make me want to punch them in the face.
i just started a lot of sentences with "i."
my mom is depressed and it's sucking the life out of me.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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time with the (extended) family today has taught me that there are a disturbing number of stories about babies getting drunk in our family. including one about me. maybe that's why i still don't like tequilla to this day...
yesterday, a bird pooped on my head at the beach. i wasn't even walking under trees. he hit me right out in the open and it landed in the middle of my part and stuck to my skull. the best part is, casey and i forgot about it after a while and then we went to each lunch for an hour before we remembered my poop head. then we took a picture in the restaurant parking lot.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, August 5th, 2006
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| Time: | 9:56 am. |
| Mood: | hardcore. | | Music: | hardcore...hah. |
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i was just making my bed, and when i pulled up the covers a SPIDER jumped out at me. ok, maybe "jumping" isn't the best word to describe what he did. but he did run around a lot like a crazy person. until i killed him.
anyway, the point is that i sleep with spiders and i'm hardcore.
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 11:28 am. |
| Mood: | whyyyyy. | | Music: | some dumb judge judy show my g-ma's watching. |
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yesterday i was walking to go get the mail and a piece of bark fell on my head. there was a wood pecker way above me in a tall, tall pine. i think the odds that his bark fell and my head happened to be exactly below it at that one specific moment in time are pretty incredible.
my new balances give me blisters when i run in them now. i need new shoes.
i have writers block. but just with the thesis. i could write on here all day long. but i'm kind of glad i choose not to do that. path.et.ick.
my new procrastination hobby is drawing in (microsoft) paint. if you're nice and lucky i might email you a masterpiece.
favorite new word of the week = bromantic. used in a sentence = michael and john are gearing up for a very bromantic week in hawaii together. and i'm the captain of the S.S. rita's jealous.
now i think it's time for my recent daily tradition of the cosby show, matlock and lunch with granny.
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Tuesday, August 1st, 2006
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i just finished taking all the stickers off my car. it's naked now. naked time is good time. uh, for my car that is. i do not partake in naked wednesdays, just to clarify.
anyway, as i was down removing adhesive in the sweltering sub-tropical greenhouse that is our garage, i got a little nostalgic. the newest of the stickers i was removing had been on my car for about two years now. it was my parking permit from senior year. that was such a good year. i dare say it was even my best at clemson. one of the more memorable at any rate.
the next oldest one was the palm tree and moon (the SC flag...for those who don't know) that i put on there sophomore year. sophomore year was a good year too. kind of lonely and frustrating at times, but there were always, always, always lots of good people who were up for hanging out. and you just don't find that every day.
the sticker that really got me though was the oldest one. when you are accepted to clemson, along with your official acceptance letter, you also receive a clemson sticker. it's kind of dinky, but it was the only one i had at the time, so i put on my car. front and center on my back window. (that doesn't make sense...but back and center sounds bad...anyway, you get my point.) until tonight, that sticker had been on my car for FIVE YEARS. that's over half the time i've even had my car! i really don't think i can even remember seeing my car without it anymore. but without it is how it is now sitting in my garage. (naked...hehehe)
the reason i'm mentioning all this (besides the fact that i think it's cool that i entered clemson and graduated from clemson with the same sticker still on my car) is that i don't feel like myself anymore. i mean, i have the same values, i love the same people, i am essentially the same person on the inside...but my life isn't the same. the same feeling hit me when i was unpacking clothes i haven't seen in over a year...this isn't my life any more. i'm not the same person who left this stuff here a year ago.
tonight, it was almost like i didn't know how to mourn the passing of those stickers. ok, shut up. it's not like i was planning on giving them a funeral. but i have a really hard time throwing things that mean something to me away. i'm usually super nostalgic. obviously, since i kept the dang thing on my car for five years.
in some ways, i feel like i have a much better sense of myself than i did before i left. now i just have to figure out how to express that. and, in addition, how to express it in a culture and country that has been unfamiliar to me for a year.
on an entirely different note, my parents keep asking me if i have any friends in my program. which is understandable, since i never talk about anyone i've met in the program. i'm pretty sure my mom and dad now think i'm completely socially retarted - moreso than they did before, that is. i just keep telling them that, as far as my classmates go, "we're all different." but what i'm really thinking is, "all the kids in my program think i'm a freak because i don't get wasted and/or do drugs every day. and because i'm the biggest virgin they have ever met. but that's just who i am. so you're right, parents, i am an outcast! your nightmares have all come true! i have no friends!" it is a deliciously ironic scene to observe. well, if you're me.
oh, and to cheesily quote the golden girls theme song, thank you for being a friend. oh dear. someone please call me and make me shut up on this thing.
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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